The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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