I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
