Pants 0. Shit 1.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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