My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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