yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
