I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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