She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
