she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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