I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
