you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
