What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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