ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im holly from the hills drunk
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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