youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
