Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
