Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
