I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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