Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
