well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
