Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
