my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
3pm strippers are depressing
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
