This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i will never coherently bang her
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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