addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
