That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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