just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
