i don't like sucking hair
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
