I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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