My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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