i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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