This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
