how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
