Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
