Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
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Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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