I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
