Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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