I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
