My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
