Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
