So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
