she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
