Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
