I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
