The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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