Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
