Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Are we still banned from the library?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
