had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
