I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
