Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
