I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
