i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
