Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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