my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
