mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
