I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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