Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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