I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
