Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
