is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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