i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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